Ben-Meir, Waxing satirical about Bibi and The Donald

March 12, 2023

Trump And Netanyahu Behind Prison Bars—A Satire

by Alon Ben-Meir

We are living in a time of extraordinary political chaos and instability here in the US and in Israel precipitated by two notorious culprits, Trump and Netanyahu. Thousands of cogent and analytical articles have been written about them and the incalculable damage they have already inflicted on their respective nations. I thought perhaps it’s a good time for a bit of levity especially because it is about these two nauseating characters who are willing to burn their countries down to the ground only to stay in power and out of prison.

Trump: How are you, Bibi? I guess it’s okay to call you Bibi?

Netanyahu: Oh, hi, my goodness, I can’t believe it, they finally got you too! Yes, of course you can call me Bibi. Can I call you Donald, is that alright with you?

Trump [hesitating]: Well, my subjects call me Your Highness or Your Excellency, but what the heck, we can be informal here for a bit, you can call me Donald I guess—but only here.

Bibi: Okay, thank you, but what do you mean subjects, you are not a King or some kind of Emperor.

Donald: Not yet, but I will be. I don’t know when, but I will.

Bibi [laughing]: Okay, okay Your Highness, very kind of you. So, what’s going on otherwise, how are you and how is the family?

Donald: The family is okay, really, Melania is doing her thing, I don’t know what she really does all day, who cares. Ivanka and her Jewish boy, I mean husband, are staying away from me after all that I have done for them.

Bibi: Oh, so sorry, that’s bad, what about Don Jr. and Eric?

Donald: Well Don Jr. thinks he is like me, well, you know he is my son and I love him, but he is not like me, he doesn’t have that conspiratorial streak in him.

Bibi: Yeah, I can see how that’s an important skill he should quickly hone.

Donald: And my son Eric, he is… well what shall I say, he is okay, neither of my sons have my smarts, you know.

Bibi: Very few people do, but they are still doing okay, right?

Donald [flustered]: They are trying to keep the business going, but they try to run the business by the book, ha, they don’t understand that this is not how you make money, I mean real money.

Bibi: But you have plenty of money, you don’t have to worry about money.

Donald: That’s what people think, but between you and me, my net worth is way, way overinflated if not an outright lie.

Bibi: With all the bankruptcies, businesses, the wheeling and dealings, you must have stashed lots of money in Swiss banks and all of that.

Donald: I don’t want to talk about it, you never know, they must have tons of cameras around here with listening devices.

Bibi: Oh, yeah, I forgot about that, how could I, you are right. I install cameras everywhere, so I know what people say behind my back.

Donald: I hate those hidden cameras, they give me the creeps.

Bibi [frowning]: You said it.

Donald: They got us these bastards, but not for long, they don’t know who they are dealing with.

Bibi [laughing]: We are a pair of wizards; they don’t know what’s coming.

Donald: Well, you are damn right. I am making a list of my enemies, I run out of paper though. How about you, how about your political adventures, misadventures?

Bibi: Listen, I put together the craziest, insanely religious, extremist government in Israel’s history just to take back power. I do whatever it takes, just like you.

Donald: Yeah, but your ministers are criminals.

Bibi: What are you talking about, only three Ministers in my Cabinet are criminals. It’s nothing, its less than 10 percent of my Ministers. That is quite a good average, and of course you know, I am very innocent.

Donald: Innocent, my foot! But first, I don’t understand, why are you in an American prison?

Bibi: Well, you see, I was indicted a couple of years ago, and while visiting here the trial was proceeding and this lunatic extra liberal judge—he must be a communist, I swear—sentenced me to jail for one year and two more on probation.

Donald [chuckling]: I guess you deserve it. You should sue the judge. If I were you, I would sue the bastard. So, what’s going to happen now?

Bibi [grimacing]: This is not funny Donald; Israel’s justice department wants me extradited to Israel.

Donald: Well buddy, I will tell my people to fly you in my own jet, you will have massages and all that, you know, like I do, wow. We’ll take care of you. I have lots of connections.

Bibi: I know, that’s why I feel lucky to be with you, to have a cellmate who knows what it’s like to be falsely accused. All I want is to play for a little time, so my attorneys settle on a game plan.

Donald: I know what you mean, this is my special talent, playing for time. But you really must have good lawyers. Boy, do I miss the Oval Office.

Bibi: Me too, you have no idea how much I miss the prime minister’s residence.

Donald: Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it?

Bibi [grinning]: The first thing that comes to my mind is power.

Donald: Ain’t that the truth. I don’t know about you, but I wake up every morning with a terrible hunger for power that can’t be satisfied.

Bibi [nodding]: I know exactly what you mean, power is like a drug, the more you have the more you want.

Donald: But you know Bibi, you have to be ruthless in this world to get what you want and I say if you can’t be the most powerful, be the most feared. This my specialty too, I know how to scare people to death.

Bibi: Ah. The old Machiavellian approach, I like it.

Donald: You have to do whatever it takes to gain power; you lie, cheat, threaten, conspire, bribe, intimidate. Oh, yeah, and collect dirt on everyone so that you can blackmail them when you need to, so they keep their mouth shut.

Bibi [nodding]: You are so right; I feel the same way. I do a lot of that myself, but not like you, they say power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, so what!

Donald: I like to think of it as power corrupts, but I am already corrupt, so I might as well have more power.

Bibi: You know what they say, behind every successful man there is substantial amount of corruption.

Donald: We are like twins, we lie, we cheat—but we always get away with it.

Bibi [smiling]: Right on. But you know Donald, unfortunately, there is always someone more powerful than you.

Donald: No, no, not in my case, you know I am technically still the president and even though they stole the election from me, I am still the most powerful man.

Bibi [laughing]: Well now, let’s not exaggerate.

Donald [irritated]: Who’s exaggerating?! But what troubles me is that I often dream that I am the emperor of the world, but then I wake up screaming realizing it was just a dream.

Bibi [laughing]: So what happens after that? Do you go back to sleep?

Donald: Poor Melania, she tries to calm me down, finally I go back to sleep hoping that at least I will have the same dream again. It gives me the chills.

Bibi: I can imagine, I probably would get the chills too. Do you dream the same dream again when you go back to sleep?

Donald: Yes, sometimes I do, the problem is that Melania gets so upset, after a few weeks she decided to sleep in a different bedroom.

Bibi [grinning]: That’s too bad, it must be hard on you.

Donald: Don’t be sarcastic. But it’s okay, between us, she wanted to sleep in a different bedroom for some time, she claims I snore all night. I don’t believe her, but you know women, they get tired of you. By the way, how is your out-of-control son?

Bibi: I put him on a short leash, you know, because of my troubles right now, He can be wild, but I am afraid to say that to my wife Sara. You know Sara…

Donald [smirking]: Of course, I know Sara, who doesn’t know your Sara, she is the boss, ruthless, isn’t she? I hear that she has been involved in some shady deals as well.

Bibi: Well, not really, but any way, she too sleeps in another bedroom. She is a good wife, so to speak, and a good mother, but what can I say, she gets off the rail once in a while.

Donald [laughing]: I don’t blame her, poor thing, who wants to sleep next to you…

Bibi: C’mon now, she makes the same claim, that I snore. She can be a real pain in the butt sometimes.

Donald [laughing loudly]: Only some time? Like I told you, women are all the same.

Bibi: Not all women are the same.

Donald: Oh, spare me; I know women. I must have known hundreds of them from the time I was a teenager through my marriages, while I’ve been married and in between. Name it, they are all the same, except maybe Stormy Daniels.

Bibi: I wish I had that kind of experience.

Donald: Nah, it takes a special talent, and money, and of course you have to be really handsome.

Bibi: Are you implying I am not handsome enough? You don’t know, I had my own escapades with women too. Boy, if Sara knew about that, she would lynch me, I mean literally.

Donald: My women, even my wives knew that I chase other women, but you see, I am so rich and famous, powerful, and, of course, so sexy they don’t care, they still stick around.

Bibi: Sexy? You? I think you are a lot of stuff, but sexy? I think I am charming and powerful too, but I must admit not like you.

Donald: Well, that’s obvious, I will tell the story about what happened in Moscow during the beauty pageant, that was something else, I mean crazy.

Bibi: I’d love to hear about that, you know there are all kinds of rumors, weird rumors about that beauty pageant and you.

Donald: Well, you know after the contest was finished, just imagine with all those beauties around, I invited a few of them to my presidential suite in the hotel, wow they were so impressed. What can I tell you, it was a wild, really wild night.

Bibi: Please, tell me, tell me more, please.

Donald: What I did not know was that the KGB installed several cameras from every angle of the suite, they took six hours of video—six hours. Imagine what went on for six hours, with five or six gorgeous chicks around.

Bibi: So, what happened?

Donald: Now you can understand why I had to do pretty much whatever Putin wanted me to do. He has these damn tapes in his hands, he could hang me with them if he wanted to.

Bibi [laughing]: I get it, now I know why you have become so fond of him.

Donald: Don’t be ridiculous, I am not fond of him, I hate him, he can blackmail me any time, but I also envy him because of his absolute power. I just pretend we are friends.

Bibi: I know Putin very well; he is dangerous with no scruples. I don’t think he likes me.

Donald: I told you that, nobody does. Anyway, he helped me a lot in my campaign in 2016 and I actually became the president, do you believe it? The president.

Bibi: Oh my, I did not think that anything like that could have happened, hard to believe.

Donald: Putin wanted to have that kind of influence on the President of the United States, and he still will when I formally become the president again.

Bibi: I don’t know about that, how can you become the president again when you are under such indictment?

Donald: You don’t get it. When you are in such trouble you run for president and make it hellish for the Justice Department to chase you.

Bibi: You said it, actually, I did that exactly. Tell me though, some people think that you are a Russian agent, or a puppet of the Russians.

Donald: People say all kind of things. I am not a secret agent, but I shared with them some intelligence that I got from your Mossad and other intelligence agencies.

Bibi: That can get you in real trouble! Is this why you took so many secret documents with you when you left the White House?

Donald: Actually, this is what the Russians were hoping to get from me, but I haven’t given them anything yet.

Bibi: Yet, ha! I never thought that you would go that far. Tell me, what about this thing, they accuse you of being behind the insurrection.

Donald: Insurrection, what insurrection? It was such a peaceful demonstration, beautiful, did you see the footage that Tucker Carlson showed on Fox the other night? The demonstration was so peaceful.

Bibi: But it wasn’t so peaceful, they say six people were killed and scores injured.

Donald: Nonsense, they were climbing the fence trying to hang more of our magnificent flags and just fell down and sadly were killed at the Capitol during the insurrection, I mean the beautiful peaceful demonstration. They are heroes, and the demonstrators are all patriots. They just wanted to protect the integrity of the elections and our freedom. I am so proud to be their spiritual leader.

Bibi: Spiritual leader? You? I don’t buy your story but what can I say, you are funny and terrific when you are in your element, Mr. President. [aside] What a moron.

Donald [interrupting]: What do you mean, you don’t buy my story?! Do you think I would lie about something like this?

Bibi [smirking]: I mean, listen, you are indicted for conspiracy to usurp power by force, basically, this is tantamount to treason.

Donald: Treason? What are you talking about?

Bibi: Look, you are sitting here awaiting trial. They won’t let you out even if you posted $10 million bail.

Donald: You don’t understand, I am staying here because I want to. I want my people, I mean my subjects, to be enraged, angry like hell, and if this leads to a civil war and thousands of people get killed, so what?

Bibi: You really mean that? You don’t care? Well, on second thought I would do the same. If the liberal idiots in my country continue to demonstrate and a civil war breaks out, well, they asked for it.

Donald: You see, that’s what I’m saying. If half the country burns down, so be it. When I get out of here, I will go straight to the White House.

Bibi: I think this is bit of a pipedream.

Donald: You know Bibi, what irritates me about you, you always second guess me.

Bibi: No, all I am saying is that this will not be so easy.

Donald: You keep forgetting Bibi, I get away with anything, from any trouble, any time. You keep forgetting I am Trump, Trump, remember?

Bibi: Anyway, things are getting tough though for you and me.

Donald: You know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get tweeting. I kept everybody glued to my Twitter account first and now to my Truth Social account.

Bibi: I must admit, you are a master manipulator alright.

Donald: That’s why I have tens of millions of followers. [quietly] They are stupid you know; they believe in anything I say.

Bibi: Funny you say that. My people follow me too, just like blind sheep.

Donald: You said it, that’s my forte, and may be yours, not quite.

Bibi: Tell me, I am eager to know, what about that famous phone call you made to Georgia’s Secretary of State asking him to switch some 12,000 ballots from Democrats to Republicans?

Donald: Oh, c’mon now, this was a perfect phone call. What’s wrong with that, the elections were stolen from me, and I just wanted to make things right.

Bibi: They are about to indict you on charges of conspiracy and violation of elections laws…

Donald: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s all bogus, nothing will come out of that.

Bibi: But these are very serious charges.

Donald: You think I’m just going to wait and see what’s going to happen? I made sure that the Republican legislators in Georgia pass new laws so they can fire any prosecutor at will, and this Black woman in the District Attorney’s seat will soon be gone, gone, gone. All charges will be dropped.

Bibi: My situation is almost like yours. I am charged with taking a bribe, but the rich businessman who gave the money enjoyed giving it to me and I enjoyed taking it. Nobody got hurt, it was a perfect bribe.

Donald: I guess we are both too perfect for our own good, we’ll be more than okay. The liberals in your country and the Democrats here will pay the price. I am the master of retribution.

Bibi: Sure, I hope so. But let me ask you, you just said this Black woman, this sounds terribly racist.

Donald: So? Everybody knows we white people are shrinking; Blacks, Hispanic, Asians, and what have you are taking over. We white supremacists—uh, I mean white people, must protect ourselves.

Bibi: But being so openly racist…

Donald: Look who’s talking about being a racist! You are as racist as they come. You hate every Palestinian. Every day your settlers, your soldiers, kill 5, 6 Palestinians.

Bibi: Your name should be Mr. Hyperbole. We kill on the average only 2 Palestinians a day, what’s the matter with you? But whatever, you are a genuine racist, you probably hate the Jews too.

Donald: Listen, you don’t understand. We have to do whatever it takes. By the way I have many Jewish friends. Remember, my son in law is Jewish, and my daughter converted to Judaism.

Bibi: Nice, nice cover. You are antisemitic, disgusting.

Donald: I am against lots of things. You are anti-Palestinian in your soul, and you know it.

Bibi: That is something else altogether.

Donald: Yeah, yeah, yeah, even though you do not deserve it, I promise you when I am released, I will come and visit you. Can you imagine, you are going to get a Presidential visit.

Bibi: That will be great, but you never know, I might get out of here first.

Donald: Don’t be ridiculous. First of all, you are not me, and second you did not collect enough dirt on a lot of people, like I did, to keep them loyal to you.

Bibi: Listen, the fact that I have been accused of all kinds of stuff, I don’t know, bribery, breach of trust, fraud, whatever, it’s all lies. I will prove it.

Donald [nodding]: These liberals can’t stand people like you and me just because we want to restore some sanity to our countries.

Bibi: You said it, you said it, Donald. I still think that I will be out of here without a scratch.

Donald: Cut the crap now, you are in a lot of trouble, man. You want to destroy the judiciary and what’s left of your democracy. Unlike in the USA, presidents and prime ministers go to jail in your country.

Bibi: Frankly, that what actually frightens me the most. Even though everything I am trying to do is for the good of my country, they just hate me, they love to hate me. I don’t understand.

Donald [laughs]: I can see why they hate you, in fact, I don’t like you either.

Bibi [smirking]: Well, why, are you jealous or something, because I have been in politics longer than you and I know all the tricks? Anyway, I hope you don’t mean that.

Donald: Yes, I do because you really think that you are smarter than me, don’t you?

Bibi: I never said that.

Donald: You don’t have to, it’s all over you face.

Bibi: Anyway, it’s getting late, I am going to sleep.

Donald: Me too.

Bibi: Hey, don’t have one of those crazy dreams of yours that you are the emperor and then wake up screaming because you realize it was just a dream. I want to sleep.

Donald: You are such a self-centered person, narcissist to the core, worse even than me, if that is at all possible. Now I know for sure why I really dislike you. Go have your own nightmares. [to himself] Hell, how am I gonna sleep tonight? Stormyyyyyy, Stormy, where are you when I need you?!

Trump: How are you, Bibi? I guess it’s okay to call you Bibi?